Trump to Establish a New Country
Donald Trump announced today that he has established a new country at his West Palm Beach Florida resort. The club formally known as Mar-a-Lago is to become the country of Turdmenistan. Trump explained that the members of the club, now citizens of Turdmenistan, held an election in which he received 100% of the votes to become the country’s supreme leader. Trump went on to explain that he will have dual citizenship and as the country’s supreme leader, he will also be giving himself full diplomatic immunity.
Florida Governor Ronald DeSantis and senator Rick Scott both enthusiastically endorsed Trumps new country. Both have intentions of relocating their business is there.
During his announcement Trump said, “I will be turning the most beautiful club in the world into the most beautiful country in the world. People everywhere will be begging me to become citizens of Turdmenistan.” Members of the former club have automatically been granted citizenship and will officially be known as “The Turds.” Trump stated that selected Turds will be afforded the opportunity to upgrade their citizenship, for a fee, to diplomatic status. They will receive the coveted gold, Krylon spray painted, diplomatic passport and preferred seating at all dinner events.
When asked about his plans for his cabinet Trump stated, “as a Republican I’ve always believed in a small government. There will be no need for a head of justice or the treasury as no one can do a better job than me.”
Trump went on to say that retired General Michael Flynn will be the head of border security. “Michael has been in touch with Jacob Anthony Chansley, AKA Jake Angel, the “QAnon Shaman”, to form our own border patrol. These volunteers border patrol officers will be issued horns, a bearskin headdress, red, white and blue face paint, and tan pants. There will be no need for them to have shirts, as after all it is Florida. The volunteers will guard Turdmenistan from outside the wall. When I asked if these guardsmen would become Turds Trump said no, they’ll remain outside the wall providing security. He said they don’t qualify for citizenship because you need a lot of money to become a real Turd. “They really believe in what we’re doing and that’s why they will volunteer. I think it will be ok for them to camp out in the parking lot of the Breakers Hotel just north of Turdmenistan, but who knows”. He went on to say that while they don’t qualify to be Turds they will be afforded certain investment opportunities with The Bank of Turdmenistan. General Flynn also stated that they are forming an elite team of “Proud Boys Commandos”, but would not elaborate on exactly what their role would be.
When asked if he thought the United States would recognize Turdmenistan he said “yes absolutely I’m going to do that before I leave office. I have spoken with Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un and they both will be recognizing Turdmenistan. Paul Manafort will become ambassador to Russia. “You know Paul has a lot of experience in dealing with Russia and he’s a real loyal guy. I think he’s going to make a great ambassador. I’m still looking to see who I’m going to make ambassador in North Korea. It may be difficult not many people want to live there.” Rumor has it that Rudy Giuliani will become the ambassador to the United States.
Another familiar face will be Hope Hicks who will assume the position of Communications Director. In keeping with her policy Ms. Hicks will not be speaking or communicating with anyone other than the Supreme Leader of Turdmenistan.
It’s not clear at this time what role Jarvanka will play in this new government. With their relocation to Miami, it’s almost certain they will play a major role. Both are assuredly proud to be Turds.
Authors note:
I wish to give credit to Michael Cohen Donald Trump’s former attorney for the inspiration to write this satirical essay. While listening the podcast The New Abnormal with Molly Jong-Fast and Rick Wilson in which they interviewed Michael Cohen that he suggested renaming Mar-a-Lago to Turdmenistan. I simply picked up the ball and ran with it.
